First of all, I feel that I aught to explain myself. I am going to put people's real names in everything I write. This is because I don't believe that people really read what I write because the things that I write are most often negative. This is due to bad luck and a combination of depression and anxiety. Get over it. Or don't read my blog.
My name is Kaitlin Marie McKnight. I am 21 years old and currently living with my boyfriend in his parents basement, largely due to the fact that though he is nearly 26, he would rather spend all of his money on marijuana than on growing up and getting the fuck out of here. I simply cannot afford to live on my own. I tried it once and failed miserably. I am still suffering from the repercussions of that act.
At any rate, I am now over 20k in debt and am 17 weeks pregnant (tomorrow). I have to pay off my bills before I can even consider buying things for my baby, which will cost around another 5k at the least. My pregnancy has been making me severely ill to the point that I threw up blood, got put on 3 different medicines and have missed a large amount of work. Apparently my work either doesn't believe that I am pregnant, doesn't believe that I am sick, or just doesn't give a shit about anyone but themselves, because first they cut me down from 40 hours a week to 20, where I could only pay one bill and it still sent my account negative, and then just this week cut me down to 10 hours, where I can't pay any bills, can't buy food (which is pretty horrible because I'm not just feeding myself anymore) and will barely make 200 dollars a month.
On top of all of that my job thoroughly sucks. I don't think the people understand just how miserable it is for me. I hate it! And its even worse now that I'm getting screwed with. First of all, I can't just stand and check for customers, which is really what my job is. I'm expected to clean and stock and then every 5 minutes I am to stop what I am doing to help any interrupting customers. THIS DRIVES MY ANXIETY DISORDER HAYWIRE! So I'm supposed to just drop what I'm doing in the middle of it? Are you crazy? I need to get it all done at once or else I will flip the fuck out! I end up cussing out customers under my breathe and hating them, when really it is management and the store manager I should be pissed at. Just let me do my job and everything will be fine! Now lets make it worse - now I feel that I am being abused because I have so few hours a week... and yet today I did everyone else's work by myself. So lets take away a persons income and then make them work harder than they did before. Fair? Not in the slightest. But they don't care. They'll just continue to cut me and hire new people and make me take on the bulk of the work for the few hours they can fuck with me. Do you people not remember that I am pregnant? Constantly being stressed can cause a baby to come early or have low birth weight. There is no doubt in my mind that this will happen to my baby. I can't conceive of a baby being healthy after all that I've been through, and it breaks my heart. Which makes me even more infuriated with the people that I work for.
New topic: The boy. So he really gets on my nerves. He has frequently asked me how I am going to be a good mother if I can't even handle pregnancy? What a horrible thing to say to someone! How dare you judge my parenting based on an unusually bad pregnancy? I am a strong person physically. I can handle quite a bit of physical pain and when it comes to children I have loads of patience, mainly because being a mother is all I've ever really wanted. But when it comes to psychological issues, like depression, anxiety and all these hormones....on top of vomiting 1 to 5 times a day (until recently) I'm sorry but I'm gonna get a little upset. Okay, a LOT upset. There are days that after I get sick I just slump down and cry. It just doesn't seem fair that some people can get buy with no pain or nausea while I suffer so greatly. But yes, dear baby daddy...you...who will NEVER understand ANYTHING that I am going through - you dare to judge me. Go on. See how far it gets you. You may find yourself signing over your rights if you fuck with me too much. Then the other day I told him I could feel baby moving without laying on my tummy or drinking something sugary. This was a big deal to me. It was basically the babies first kick...the first time didn't really count. And his reaction? "Shut up!" Really? Fuck you.
Then we've got baby daddy's mom aka grandma. I understand that she wants to help but she drives me up the fucking wall! I can't hardly go upstairs without being harassed. THIS is how you have to do things. You need to do that! How about you let me figure this out by myself? Just because you didn't raise your son to get his ass out on his own doesn't mean that I can't figure out how to make this work. And no, I don't think he will help me. I will do all of the work myself just as I always do when it comes to me and him.
Now on to some positive news: I have an appointment on Friday for my fourth prenatal checkup. So far the baby has been perfectly healthy, which I am always excited to hear. I hope that I haven't put on too much weight, considering I have been able to eat more due to my nausea going down, and I have no money, so as you might guess, it is never anything healthy. I apologize dear baby, but you'll have to talk to Hy-Vee about why you can't get proper nutrition. Mommy can't help it. I'll post another blog with my babycenter stats :)
That's all for today. I'll be back when I get stressed again to vent.
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